Am I Truly Alone?
I had long been alone and bore the cross of a loner. No one to turn to, share my pain, or understand. No one to repair my broken smile, or tell me that I wasn’t alone in my suffering. Out there others like me waited to be discovered and rescued from their loneliness. But they were too silent; never cried out their pain or asked for help. They were too good in wearing their mask and hiding.
Then there was my case. I was the girl who put on the mask acting as if everything was, “peachy,” but inside I was suffering. For years I dealt with the thoughts and memories of abuse flashing through my mind. Always fearing them, breaking down and causing harm to my body. I didn’t know how to deal with my on-bearing issues. I couldn’t turn to anyone. They’d find some way of taking advantage of me. In the end it was too late for any realization of how affected I was.
I was somewhat of a problem child, the quiet problem child. They did say to watch out for the, “quiet ones,” didn’t they? Slowly I learned to bottle things up, to hide and never show my emotions. Not that in my mind it was a weakness; but I saw no point to show emotion when no one was there or understood. I found myself gradually slipping into the state of being alone. Finally it came; where I truly found and believed that I was alone never to be among others or confide in I was a loner and didn’t deserve to feel joy or a kind friendship from another.
The day I found others like me happened through what you might like to call, in a sense, “a series of unfortunate events.” I was fifteen: alone, confused, frustrated, angry, and didn’t want to go on living. So what happened? Well, let’s just say a certain action took place; one I wouldn’t like to find myself in again. I was hospitalized after the incident. From there on I entered a world of people who were suffering.
My eyes were now truly seeing what they had missed before. My eyes weren't looking straight ahead anymore; they were now looking around the environment. I finally got to see that there were people who were suffering; maybe not the same suffering as me, but they were in pain like me.
We are never alone, only the illusion and thought that we are. The illusion could never change this fact about our life. We are oblivious to those around us. Even if they look normal, we share the state of feeling alone in a world of those like us. It’s universal.
V.