Ellen Macozek Article
I wanted to respond to the Transformation Center’s question regarding if I needed intensive mental health care?
I am a consumer of mental health services for a condition (s) that I have had for a very long time (approx. 24 years that I’ve known about) and also work for a PACT team in Massachusetts as a full-time Peer Specialist. In my honest opinion, personally there are situations and times that I still struggle with my mental health condition and often times I can get through some of the tough times and situations with extra support from my providers and with the support of my co-workers and my family. My past history, before I went back to work many many years ago was to be hospitalized for every little thing that went on in my life. Mostly because I didn’t know how to handle difficult situations and more importantly I did not know why I was struggling and I had no voice. I would go see my providers frequently and I attended a day treatment program for almost 10+ years full time because I was just a lost soul who did not feel like I had a purpose to be on this earth. Basically I hated life and turned that hate on me. I was my own enemy and thought everyone else was an enemy because of how I felt about myself. In my very early years I would take my anger, frustration, hurt etc… out on everyone else until after years and years of therapy I realized that it wasn’t everyone else I disliked but it was me.
As I stated above I went back to work and worked a couple of hours a week not knowing if I could even do it and having providers questioning if it was a good idea I made the decision to try. I started out working approx. 5-10 hrs./wk. and after 9.5 years I was working full-time 50+ hours a week in the same company up until about 4 years ago when I knew I needed a change so I left that job without another job to go to. During my 9+ years of working with this one employer I became a responsible employee, a responsible member of society and a person that other’s could rely on.
I just wanted to give a little background history before I attempted to answer your question and that history is just skimming the surface.
Again, I still struggle at different times with my life and my thoughts and beliefs and have to do a lot of reality checking and sole searching accept extra support from my providers when I start to struggle more with my condition or maybe even try to work part-time for a couple of weeks and attend a partial hospital program which has helped in the past. and working very closely with the prescriber of my medications. It is very different now for me as opposed to the past because it used to be that I would end up in the hospital for everything and anything because of my lack of skills or knowing how to deal with certain situations and literally had no voice to speak up to anybody.
Suggestions of me being hospitalized way in the past were always being highly recommended by past providers so that my providers would not send me for an evaluation against my own will or by an ambulance... There was one point in my life that I was sent to a Massachusetts state hospital (which is now closed) but was told that I probably would never get out but I did.
I try very hard to stay away from intensive hospitalization treatment not because it is all that bad for me but I need to know that I’ve done everything I could possibly do to help myself before making the decision to go inpatient. Not to say it’s an easy decision, it actually becomes more and more difficult as the years go on because I feel like a failure but I eventually realize on my own and with some assistance that it’s something I needed at the time to break the cycle of what is happening with me at that moment in my life. I kind of look at it like okay this what I need to do for very short term and try to remind myself that this is just my tune up so I can go out and continue to live a productive life as well as a way of me keeping my self in check so I can leave the hospital and go back to work and my life which is so important to me. It’s a way of me keeping my engine going and seeing it as general maintenance on my mental health. By far it’s been an extremely difficult decision and I go back and forth in my head should I or shouldn’t I. I know that when I ultimately do make the decision it is the right one for me. Again, the difference for me is that it ends up being my decision and on my own terms. I realize I’ve done everything I could and then finally give into myself and say self don’t be so stubborn and go get what I need and that it’s okay to get some extra support at that time with constant reminders that hospitals and doctors do not rule my life – I rule my own life. “I Have A Voice.” I am no longer live life mute.
When I ultimately make the decision to go inpatient I am very good at putting myself on a guilt trip because I have a job that I love and feel terrible asking my co-workers for assistance with the people that I work with going to my boss to discuss me taking a little time off to get re-energized so I can come back in a couple of weeks and still be the productive person that I was before I was not feeling well. Again it’s myself putting added pressure and unneeded guilt on myself and I have to remind myself of that as well. I know that I work for agency that knows that I have a condition that may need some extra taking care of at times but sometimes it’s hard to remind yourself of that and other’s need to help me to remind myself that it’s okay.
This is only my personal opinion and I understand how some consumers are totally against any kind of hospitalizations and all power to them if they can rally from a hard time or situation. Again, it’s my personal choice and not an easy one but in the end I need to leave the past in the past and remind myself that extra help is there for me in case I need or want it.
Thank you and feel free to call me or email if you have any questions etc…and please excuse the writing if is confusing – the time of night just got away from me and I started to fall asleep while writing this. Could you please kindly contact me it you decided it was worth publishing it.. Thank you again.
Kind Regards,
Ellen Macozek